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Learned from TV

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Categories are in bold. Click (R) to generate a random joke from that category.
635 jokes and counting

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  • If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
  • If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade...at any time of the year.
  • All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.
  • The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a pretty nurse cleans his wounds.
  • When paying for a taxi, never look at your money. Just pull out a bill or two and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
  • If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath even if it’s the middle of the afternoon.
  • All single women have a cat.
  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one.
  • When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
  • Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.
  • No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
  • If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
  • It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
  • Revolvers will fire at least ten or fifteen times without reloading.
  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps and join in with you.

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